I was flipping back through my journal last week and I came across an entry from this past April.  Everything was stressing me out at the time and I was filled with fear and worry.  I wrote about how much I hated the fears in my life and the fact that I wanted to give them over to the Lord and entirely let them go.  I claimed 2 Timothy 1:7 which says, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”  Here is a portion of my entry…

     “I have reached a breaking point and a realization that my fear is sin.  I have allowed Satan to fill my mind with worries and lies that are keeping me from focusing on the Lord.  I cannot allow anything to come between me and the Lord.  So, I am taking this opportunity to confess my worries.  I’m just going to write them out so they will lose their power.  I want the Lord’s will for my life.  If some of these fears come true, I want that because it will be the best for me.  May the Lord replace my fear with His power and confidence.” 

     I proceeded to list off my fears and prayers concerning each fear.  As I looked over the list 9 months later, I could not help but praise God for all He has done in my life and for working in my fears.  These are a few of the fears I listed and the realities the Lord has brought into my life now…

1.      Fear of not passing a course and not graduating from nursing school this semester.   

This was a very real fear for me.  I had to work really hard in my nursing courses and good grades did not just come naturally to me.  Critical Care was my last semester and it seemed that the harder I studied, the worse I did.  I had to have a 75% average on my tests alone to pass.  This fear was voiced as I had a test average of 76% and was preparing for my final.  God was in control.  I passed. 

2.      Fear of not passing my NCLEX test. 

Yeah… the whole Critical Care course didn’t exactly boost my confidence in taking my national nursing licensure exam.  One can have anywhere from 75-265 questions on the NCLEX.  After you get so many consistently right or consistently wrong, your computer just turns off and you either passed or failed.  My computer turned off right after question 76.  God was in control again.  I passed. 

3.      Fear of not getting a nursing job in Montana or getting one that I really, really hate. 

God blessed me with an incredible job in an amazing hospital.  Yes, it is hard and there are days that I close my eyes and picture myself back at Beulah Beach doing camp nursing, but I love my job and I love the way the Lord stretches me through it. 

4.      Fear of not being accredited with the Alliance. 

This was a real fear too as I worked through finding out what I believe about certain topics.  I am now accredited with the Alliance. 

5.      Fear of being too mentally and physically exhausted to finish the marathon this weekend. 

Whelp, simply put, 26.2 miles is a quite a long loop around the block.  And God gave me strength to run it all … without even throwing up.

6.      Fear I will not find a good church or ministry to plug into. 

God blew me out of the water with this one.  Not only do I have a body of believers to worship and serve alongside, I am on the church staff… and it’s not because I sought it out… God dropped it in my lap. 

7.      Fear I will be lonely in Montana and not meet strong Christians my age. 

At first, I was very lonely.  My parents would travel on the weekends and I would try to amuse myself and not dwell on the fact that I didn’t really KNOW anyone in Montana… or any of the states surrounding Montana for that matter.  But, God has brought incredible community into my life and I am blessed to not only have people around my age to hang out with, but strong Christians around my age to run with me in the adventures of God. 

8.      Fear of inadequacy- in ministry, relationships, and nursing. 

I could easily write an entirely separate blog on this topic.  I am finding more and more that the fear of being inadequate shakes the heart of most, especially in the area of ministry.  Satan tells us we will never be good enough.  Inadequacy is a half-truth.  It is true that we will never be good enough… but when we die to ourselves, look out.  God can do HUGE things through us that we cannot even imagine.  The other issue is how we judge our adequacy.  What is being adequate anyway?  According to Galatians 1:10, serving and pleasing God must be our benchmark… even if we never hear praise from men.  It’s not about us folks.  God has been teaching me more and more to strive solely after His glory in order to stomp out the fears that come with comparing myself to others, and ultimately inadequacy.  I have to daily remind myself of these truths because Satan’s lies can feel so real.      

     All of the fears I have just listed, God proved incredibly wrong.  I looked back over these fears and was thankful I took time to write them out because they were all once very real to me.  However, God proved himself faithful and sovereign in allowing the power of my fears to be broken.  Fear is extremely important as the Holy Spirit uses it in our lives to guide us and remind us to follow the Lord.  After all, we are called to have “reverent fear” for the Lord Himself.  However, fear truly is one of the Devil’s favorite and sharpest darts.  Not only can fear paralyze us from completing the adventures the Lord has for us, but fear can steal our joy and confidence forcing us to second-guess our every move.

     So what about when our fears DO come true?  What happens when our “biggest fears” suddenly become a reality? 

9.      Fear that my boyfriend will break up with me. 

Within 4 months of writing this fear, it came true.  I will not say it was easy, but I will say that looking back with what I know now about God’s plans for me in this place, it was for sure God’s best.  I have dated two guys in my lifetime and a good friend recently asked me if I had any regrets with being in those relationships.  Regrets?  No.  Growth and lessons learned?  A very bold YES, (and another topic I could talk for hours about…).    

     It is a beautiful, mysterious process when God takes the reality of our fears and transposes them into a tool that draws us to His heart, allows us to trust Him, and brings Him glory.  Isaiah 55:8 says, “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD.”   I love being able to look back on my “biggest fears” only to see that they are not as big as I once thought they were because God’s plans are bigger than mine.  This fact gives me great hope and courage as I face current fears.  If God is in control, what can I have to fear anyhow?  God’s best should not be feared. 

     What if my fears had stopped me?  What would I currently be able to do if I had NO fear?  Fear HAS as much power and will TAKE as much power as we give it.  I am still trying to sort all this fear stuff out and I have current fears that feel very real. However, what a comfort to be able to look back and know that God replaces fears proven wrong with faithfulness and He replaces fears proven right with strengthened trust and priceless growth. 

Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed.  For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.  ~ Habakkuk 1:5

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  ~Isaiah 41:10